Dear millennial mom,
I see you there at 2 AM, scrolling through your phone while your baby finally sleeps, wondering if everyone else has this parenting thing figured out except you. I see you comparing your Tuesday chaos to someone else’s Sunday highlight reel, feeling like you’re drowning while everyone else seems to be gracefully swimming.
Let me tell you something that nobody talks about enough: You’re not failing. You’re unsupported.
The Myth of the Independent Mother
Somewhere along the way, we bought into this idea that good mothers should be able to do it all, alone. That needing help meant we were weak, unprepared, or somehow less capable than the generations before us. But here’s the truth that’s been buried under decades of “supermom” mythology: humans were never meant to raise children in isolation.
Your grandmother? She had her mother, aunts, and neighbors dropping by unannounced with casseroles and unsolicited but often helpful advice. Your great-grandmother? She lived in communities where childcare was shared, where multiple sets of eyes watched over the kids, where motherhood was truly a village effort.
You? You’re trying to do the work of an entire village while also maintaining a career, a relationship, a home, and some semblance of yourself. Of course you feel like you’re failing. You’re attempting the impossible.
The Invisible Load Gets Heavier
As millennial moms, we’re carrying a particularly heavy burden. We’re the generation caught between old expectations and new realities. We’re supposed to be career women who lean in, but also devoted mothers who never miss a moment. We’re expected to maintain Pinterest-worthy homes while also being present, engaged parents. We’re supposed to practice self-care while everyone depends on us for everything.
The mental load we carry is staggering. You’re not just feeding your kids, you’re planning meals, checking what’s in the fridge, remembering who doesn’t like what, considering nutrition, managing grocery lists, and somehow making it all happen within budget and time constraints. You’re not just getting kids dressed, you’re tracking sizes, seasons, preferences, school dress codes, weather, and laundry status.
Every single day, you make hundreds of decisions that keep your family functioning, most of which go completely unnoticed and unacknowledged.
When Systems Fail Us
The truth is, the systems that should support families are broken or simply don’t exist. Paid family leave that actually covers your expenses? In most places, it’s a fantasy. Affordable, quality childcare? A luxury many can’t access. Family-friendly work policies that don’t penalize you for having human needs? Rare unicorns in the corporate world.
We’re told that work-life balance is a personal responsibility, but how can you balance something when the scales are rigged against you from the start? How can you thrive when the very infrastructure needed to support working families is crumbling or non-existent?
You’re not failing to find balance. The balance was stolen from you before you even began.
The Comparison Trap
Social media has weaponized comparison in ways previous generations never faced. We’re not just comparing ourselves to our neighbors anymore, we’re comparing ourselves to curated highlight reels from thousands of mothers around the world. That mom who seems to have it all together? She posted that photo after her third attempt, during the five minutes her house was clean, on the one day this week she felt human.
Remember: you’re seeing everyone else’s movie trailer while living your own behind-the-scenes footage. The struggling, the mess, the uncertainty, that’s not unique to you. That’s universal. It’s just not what makes it onto the highlight reel.
The Myth of Natural Instincts
“Trust your instincts,” they say, as if motherhood comes with a built-in GPS system. But here’s what nobody tells you: parenting instincts are largely learned behaviors. The mothers who seem to know exactly what they’re doing? They’ve either done this before, had extensive experience with children, or—more likely—they’re just better at hiding their uncertainty.
You’re not broken if motherhood doesn’t feel natural at first. You’re not inadequate if you don’t immediately know how to soothe every cry or navigate every tantrum. Parenting is a skill that develops over time, through practice, through mistakes, and through learning. The fact that you’re questioning yourself, researching, trying different approaches, that’s not evidence of failure. That’s evidence of caring.
What Support Actually Looks Like
Real support isn’t just encouragement (though that matters too). Real support is structural, practical, and systemic:
Real support is a partner who takes on household management without being asked, not just helps when directed.
Real support is employers who understand that family emergencies happen and don’t penalize parents for being human.
Real support is affordable childcare that doesn’t require a waiting list, a second mortgage, or compromising your values.
Real support is healthcare that treats postpartum mental health as seriously as physical recovery.
Real support is family and friends who show up with groceries instead of just asking “how can I help?”
Real support is a society that values caregiving work and structures itself around the reality that children exist and need care.
Redefining Success
Maybe it’s time to redefine what successful motherhood looks like. Maybe it’s not about having it all together. Maybe it’s about showing up imperfectly but consistently. Maybe it’s about raising children who feel loved rather than raising children who never see you struggle.
Maybe successful motherhood is admitting when you need help instead of pretending you don’t. Maybe it’s saying no to things that drain you so you can say yes to things that matter. Maybe it’s recognizing that your worth isn’t measured by how much you can handle alone, but by how well you love and care for your family within your very human limitations.
The Permission You’ve Been Waiting For
Here’s your official permission slip:
You have permission to not enjoy every moment. Some moments of motherhood are genuinely hard, boring, or frustrating, and pretending otherwise helps no one.
You have permission to ask for help without feeling guilty. Needing support doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.
You have permission to prioritize your own well-being. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and martyrdom serves no one.
You have permission to lower your standards sometimes. A perfectly clean house is not worth your mental health.
You have permission to feel angry about the lack of support instead of just grateful for what you have.
You have permission to grieve the life you had before while still loving the life you have now.
Most importantly, you have permission to stop believing that if you were just better, stronger, or more organized, this would all be easier. The difficulty isn’t a reflection of your inadequacy, it’s a reflection of a system that was never designed to support mothers in the first place.
Moving Forward
Recognizing that you’re unsupported rather than failing doesn’t magically fix everything, but it does shift the focus from self-blame to systemic change. It allows you to stop wasting energy on shame and start directing that energy toward advocacy, community-building, and creating the support systems you need.
Start small. Build your village one connection at a time. Share resources with other parents. Advocate for better policies at work and in your community. Most importantly, extend yourself the same grace you would offer a friend going through exactly what you’re experiencing.
You’re doing important work in impossible circumstances. You’re raising the next generation while often being given fewer resources and support than any generation before you. That you’re doing it at all—imperfectly, exhaustedly, but with love—is not failure.
It’s heroic.
You’re not failing, mama. You’re unsupported. And recognizing the difference is the first step toward getting what you and your family actually need.
You’ve got this, not because you have to, but because you deserve all the support in the world to make it easier.
The Balanced Mom
View comments
+ Leave a comment